Characters and general introduction.

Introduction to characters and such:

David Furman is a vampire and he doesn’t know it. He is 27 years old. He has fair skin, strawberry-blonde hair, not particularly handsome and he is not athletically built. All things considered, he looks fairly average. He is a Simon Pegg sort of character.

Furman lives in Tomball, Texas, “The Hometown with a Heart.” The location is largely suburban, not far from Houston. The city does not have a particularly strong musical heritage. It has not contributed in any fashion to history of the Blues. Nowadays the scene is saturated with mostly washed-up, mediocre rock and cover bands.

Furman has a shrink and an orthodontist – and astronomical bills from both of them. He has worn braces for as long as he can remember, because of an odd propensity to grow extended, fang-like canines (best described in layman’s terms as an orthodological mystery). He is extremely socially awkward and struggles with the ladies, which he blames upon his braces. Furman believes that he has suffered from lifelong harassment and humiliation because of his braces – which contributes to his general loathing of all humanity.

Furman is in a blues band and aspires to be the world’s greatest harmonica player. Presently, however, he is probably the world’s most average harmonica player or even worse. This he also blames upon his braces. As Furman would say, “It is famously difficult to execute a proper blues riff on the mouth harp with brackets attached to one’s teeth, wreaking absolute havoc upon the embosure.”

Furman believes his first step towards becoming the world’s greatest harmonica player is winning the Battle of the Bands at the Royal Arts Ball, sponsored by the Regional Arts Center of Tomball.

Furman is unaware that his “braces” were fashioned and expertly employed to impede the growth of his fangs - thereby obstructing his development into a full-blown vampire - and suppressing the need to act upon his vampire-like instincts and tendencies, allowing Furman to function somewhat as a member of society.

There are, however, consequences to being a vampire and not realizing it.

Furman suffers from a slew of medical ailments. Firstly, Furman believes that he is severely anemic – as he is prone to “general malaise, pallor, and sometimes poor concentration.” Furman also commonly experiences bouts of pica, where he consumes small quantities of dirt for no apparent or practical reason – something that he finds ridiculously humiliating and refuses to discuss with his physician. According to a medical dictionary supplied by his shrink, the symptoms fit the self-diagnosis.

Furman’s medical physician, however, believes him to be a mere hypochondriac. The physician, Dr. Owen, is quick to assure Furman that he is certainly not anemic but suffering from “an iron deficiency, probably due to nutritional inadequacies.” He prescribes Furman a regimen of multivitamins, including iron, vitamin C, folic acid and vitamin b-12. Furman has since discovered that his prescription is basically a daily dosage of prenatal vitamins, and he despises taking them. This also contributes to his general loathing of all humanity.

Furman is prone to sun-poisoning, which causes him extreme sunburn and occasionally an onslaught of wicked IBS, acute sciatica and severe acne. As such, Furman does not dare to venture outside during daylight hours – except to visit his shrink, Dr. Stinebrickner, who keeps regular business hours and refuses to stray from them. For this massive inconvenience, Furman abhors his shrink.

Furman has keen senses and he is disgusted by the smell of garlic. He also believes himself to be “severely allergic to the abominable fruit, or whatever sort of plant it is.” Dr. Stinebrickner, however, believes garlic to be “the most noble of the family Alliaceae, employed for both culinary and medicinal brilliance, and much like a good woman – arriving to this Earth pungent and spicy, though lusciously mellowed and considerably sweetened with the careful attention of a loving connoisseur.”

Dr. Stinebrickner is married to an Italian immigrant and he is a self-proclaimed Italian-cuisine aficionado. The consumption of garlic is a part of his daily routine. Also a part of his daily routine: belching and eating leftovers during his appointments with Furman. For this reason also, Furman abhors his shrink.

Dr. Stinebrickner is a psychologist in his mid-60s. He is a portly gentleman, with glasses and a beard (maybe an older John Goodman). Perhaps he has an accent. He prefers to wear wool cardigans on most occasions. Dr. Stinebrickner is a sort of father figure to Furman (although Furman would never confirm this) and has been treating Furman for several years. Furman is unaware that he (Furman) is a vampire, and unaware that Dr. Stinebrickner knows that he (Furman) is a vampire – and the doctor does not intend for his patient to realize either. Many of Dr. Stinebrickner’s patients are vampires. Dr. Stinebrickner has long been studying the local vampire population and it is his lifework to successfully assimilate his patients into modern society. He is fond of the phrase, “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.” No one is really sure why.

Dr. Stinebrickner will be the hero of the story. He will come to Furman’s rescue.

Furman was orphaned at a young age and raised by his godparents.

Furman’s father, Gerard Fuhrmann, first arrived in Tomball via a student exchange program with sister city, Telgte, Germany. Neither school is aware that the student exchange program was originally established as a correctional remedy for unruly children of the German aristocratic vampire class. Troubled youngsters were sent away to “suffer in American squalor,” returning presumably cleansed of their iniquities, beseeched to gratefully integrate themselves back into noble German grandeur. The program was a complete failure, however, producing astounding quantities of young vampires returning to Germany believing wholeheartedly in music, free love and flower power – if they returned at all. By the mid 1970’s, the aristocratic vampires of Germany had discontinued their participation in the student exchange program and it was handed over to the public.

Before the program came to a screeching halt, Gerard was sent away to Tomball in 1972 as young, impressionable vampire – for acts petty thievery.

While attending classes at the Tomball Independent School Corporation, Gerard got caught up in hippie culture, fell in love and decided to stay – never returning to Germany. Besides, he was on the run from a particularly high profile vampire, once a member of the aristocratic class, from whom he had stolen a seemingly insignificant item. Once arriving in Texas, Gerard was determined to forget his past and extinguish all traces of his vampiric heredity. At eighteen he reduced his surname to merely, “Furman.”

The Cuglars played host to Gerard during his stay in Tomball. In appreciation of their hospitality, he named them godparents at the birth of his only son, David Furman. Gerard never informed young David of his troubled past – he instead provided his son with an orthodontist, a shrink and a harmonica.

After the tragic death of his father in 1984, David was left to the care of the Cuglars. He never knew his mother.

Furman still lives in the house of his upbringing, now residing in the Cuglars’ basement – where there are no windows. Furman’s fear of sunlight (and general loathing of all humanity) is a constant source of conflict in the home. His godparents do not understand his irrational fear, and simply believe Furman to be a lazy slob who sleeps all day and cannot hold down a real job. Under the influence of his physician, they too believe Furman to be a hypochondriac. Although Furman takes regular night classes, they are skeptical of his scholastic abilities and wonder whether or not he will ever complete his schooling. They do not approve of his band, or his childish aspirations to become the world’s greatest harmonica player. They are quick to remind him at every opportunity that he needs to “graduate, get a real job and pay off your astronomical orthodontist bills.” Also, they readily barrage Furman with the question of “why can’t you be more like you father? Gerard was such a sweet boy.”

Furman’s godparents are stock characters. They are your basic 50s-style, worrisome couple who believe in old-fashioned work ethic. They are suspicious of modern-day society, and especially anything pertaining to secular activity. They are upstanding members of their local church. Furman’s godfather (a Eugene Levy sort of character) is a blue-collar worker, or perhaps a used-car salesman. Furman’s godmother is a housewife, and an active member of the community. They both care for Furman and wish the best for him, however they do not understand him and their incessant nagging only serves to push him away. They are not particularly intelligent or attentive and generally busy themselves with their own affairs – unless there is nagging to be done.

Furman is disgusted by organized religion. Churches make him cringe. This is typical of a vampire, even a vampire who do not realize that he is, in fact, a vampire.

Furman’s socially inept behavior, medical oddities and bizarre hours have plagued his ability to hold a steady job. Presently, he works the drive-through at the local Taco Bell. He does not enjoy this job, but feels it to be a necessary evil – it’s the only restaurant in town that keeps late-night hours. And even Furman’s keen senses cannot detect the slightest hint of garlic in cheap Mexican food. Furman’s shift manager, Randall, is a small, power-hungry man, best described as a “stubborn prick, who criticizes me at every opportunity.” Furman has a history of getting into verbal altercations with Randall, and finds himself on the verge of unemployment regularly.

Randall, is a Joe Peschi sort of guy. He is short and probably very loud.

Furman is studying to be a mortician. He takes night classes at Lone Star Community College – Tomball campus. For the most part, he enjoys his schoolwork and excels at his classes. He believes that he may someday direct a funeral home, should his dream of becoming the world’s greatest harmonica player fall through. And he is nearly convinced that this will be the case, should his braces have anything to do with it.

It was at the Lone Star Community College that Furman met Rachael. Furman is secretly in love with Rachael. She is an independent, Christina Ricchi-like character. He does not have many other friends at the college. Furman is “that guy” to many students. He generally keeps to himself and avoids (to the best of his abilities) awkward conversations or even moderately humiliating circumstances. And at the forefront of awkward conversations and humiliating circumstances is any mention of Furman’s braces or his shrink or his multivitamins and most certainly his affections for Rachael.

Rachael is an emo-kid. She loves music more than anything and has a fairly eclectic taste. She dresses in Bohemian style truly enjoys cheap Mexican food – another reason that Furman’s present occupation is a necessary evil. Furman is trying to get her to listen to and appreciate the blues. She thinks his silly endeavor is cute. Rachael is attracted to the wounded-sheep sort of character, and sees something admirable in Furman. She has a boyfriend, but feels disconnected - and the relationship might be abusive. Her boyfriend, Richie, is a jock with a nice muscle car. He is a typical bully with cool friends and rich parents. His father is on the board of the Regional Arts Center of Tomball. Richie still wears a letter jacket. Furthermore, he listens only to classic rock and believes wholeheartedly that “the blues are for whiny pantywaists.”

Furman wishes to impress Rachael by winning the Battle of the Bands at Royal Arts Ball. He also believes that he can win her love by becoming the world’s greatest harmonica player. But in order to accomplish either of these tasks, he may someday find himself forced to shed his braces or choose between his schooling and the band.

Furman’s most prized possession is his Johnson “Blues King” harmonica. He inherited the instrument from his father, who died in a tragic construction accident, being impaled through the heart by a rogue 2x4 plank. Although many a pompous blues man would claim the Johnson Blues King to be an inexpensive, lackluster mouth harp most commonly blown by amateurs, Furman contends that his instrument reins supreme. He maintains that the “Blues King” by Johnson is a “serviceable harp with an action that is both smooth and airtight, a body that is finely-crafted and sized to my liking, a tone that is both bright and deep, and the gapping is well-suited to my embosure. The Blues King is far superior to the Lee Oskar or the Special 20.” Furman has also observed a peculiar magical quality to the instrument that he can’t quite explain. The loss of Furman’s Blues King would prove devastating.

Barry and the Manilows is comprised of Furman on lead harmonica, Murray Russell on rhythm guitar and Craig Owen on drums. Barry, the band’s namesake and previous frontman, has since left the band and “refuses to further expand my creative horizons with the likes of you three imbeciles, and Furman’s dismal harmonica skills are merely in the lower percentile.” Barry quickly formed another blues band and they are quite successful around town, and highly-favored to win the Battle of the Bands at the Royal Arts Ball - which, among other things, also contributes to Furman’s general loathing of all humanity.

After suffering the loss of Barry, the remaining trio swiftly acted to solve the band’s impending identity crisis by voting to keep the name Barry and the Manilows (much to Barry’s chagrin). They mostly liked the name and besides, what else would they do with all those burnt CD-R’s that already had the band’s ill-fated name labeled with magic marker? Barry and the Manilows had lost a frontman and lead vocalist, but it would not suffer the loss of an EP that was only a year and a half old (also much to Barry’s chagrin). Barry and the Manilows would live on with or without Barry and his painstakingly raw, yet sweetly angelic voice.

Craig Owen is a decent percussionist. He could be played by Nick Frost or Seth Rogan. He has short, shaggy hair and glasses. He is bearded. One might say that he is a bit overweight. His family is not remarkably wealthy, however, both of his parents are professionals in the medical field. Craig’s father, Dr. Owen, is Furman’s physician. As such, Furman’s many medical oddities are a constant source of entertainment at the Russell dinner table and a constant source of quarrel for Barry and the Manilows.

Craig’s father never fails to impress upon him the importance of a quality education, and continually stresses his insistence that Craig follow his footsteps into the medical practice. Craig, however, is a fledgling comic book artist, unsure whether to put his hopes in the band or his lead comic book character, “Awkward Man.”

Craig is fiercely protective of his art, fearing that Awkward Man – with his many awkward situations, circumstances and conversations, hell-bent to foil the ruthless plots of nimble, socially-proficient villains worldwide – might “fall into the merciless hands of the bloodthirsty industry executives.” As such, Craig has yet to release to the public even a page of his mountainous volumes of Awkward Man’s numerous escapades. And although Craig would never admit it, Awkward Man is secretly modeled after his good friend, David Furman (not so much in the way of foiling villainous plots for the good of mankind, but more so with regard to Furman’s incomparably awkward nature), which renders the publishing of his work, well, somewhat awkward.

Craig is also quite certain that his invention of the 3D tattoo will eventually provide the sort of income that all men envy. Craig would readily admit that he is “by no means a tattoo artist, in theory or practice, but basically, it’s just red and blue lines and maybe some dots, and all you need are the glasses to see it.”

Murray Russell plays a "maple-cap" 1966 Custom Fender Telecaster with a Gibson PAF humbucker in the neck position. It once belonged to “The Iceman” Albert Collins, 1986 Blues Hall of Fame inductee. Murray heisted the guitar from the Albert Collins Birthplace Museum in Leona, Texas. Murray feels moderately guilty for playing the stolen relic, however, he insists that, “the Iceman would not wish his cherished guitar to spend an eternity cooped up in a crappy museum exhibition anyway.” Murray is an able and talented musician, however, he is incredibly apprehensive about playing live gigs for fear of being spotted with his pilfered legendary Telecaster – providing yet another source of quarrel for Barry and the Manilows.

Murray Russell is Furman’s best friend. They have been close companions since childhood. Murray is not overly sympathetic to Furman’s many peculiarities, though he is mindful of them and not put off. Murray is the only person in all of Texas to which Furman confides his affections for Rachael.

Murray secretly desires to pursue his culinary fascinations and hopes to someday open a restaurant in downtown Houston called “Murray’s Curry.” He has a mild obsession for Indian motif that began when he first read Siddhartha in middle school.

Claus Humboldtsteg is a German vampire of the aristocratic class. At one time, Claus was the greatest harmonica player in all of Germany. He was the champion of an underground Blues scene that was thriving in metropolitan areas around Germany during the late 1960’s and early 1970’s. He was famed across the land for his otherworldly abilities on the mouth harp. His musical abilities were not appreciated in the vampire community, however, as blues music was associated with American culture and therefore repugnant. He was faced with rejection from the aristocratic class of vampires or the forsaking of his cherished blues music. To make matters worse, Claus had fallen in love with a human female vocalist from Switzerland, named Adriana. He had professed his undying love for her. Unfortunately, Adriana did not love Claus in return for his character or for his romantic sensibilities – she loved his ability to play the harmonica and draw hungry crowds. Claus reveled in his notoriety as the greatest harmonica player in all of Germany and aspired to take on the world – to become the world’s greatest harmonica player. If he could accomplish this simple task, he would never suffer the loss of his human lover. Sustained by love and fame, he could bear the searing pain of excommunication from the vampire community.

Rumor has it that Claus met the devil himself at the crossroads and traded his soul in order to play the harmonica better than anyone had ever heard. Just like Robert Johnson and his guitar. The truth is that Claus met a gypsy along the road during the 1967 Telgte Pilgrimage (pilgrimages were incredibly trendy during the Summer of Love and Adriana insisted that he attend with her, despite his natural abhorrence of religion) and traded his vampiric immortality for an enchanted Johnson Blues King Harmonica. The magical harmonica is destined to make its owner the greatest harmonica player in the world, impervious to the anguish and heartache caused by the treacherous tactics of women, immune to the myriad of diseases associated with drinking and smoking and furiously partying night after night – the one and only Blues King.

All others are, quite simply, manufactured replicas of this fabled mouth harp.

Claus toured the world, famed as the world’s greatest harmonica player. He was the Blues King. On numerous occasions Claus shared the stage with blues rock icons, such as Canned Heat and Albert Collins. He could play longer, party harder and stay up later than any other blues man on the circuit. His thirst for fame and fortune (compiled upon his newfound lust for the human female anatomy) caused Claus to betray his love for Adriana in lieu of many young hippie groupies. The groupies also provided a convenient source of fresh human blood for the thirsty vampire.

Five years later, the harmonica had betrayed Claus. By 1972, Claus was a washed-up musician with no enchanted Johnson Blues King harmonica, no lover and numbered days. The Johnson Blues King had been stolen.

Aware of his mortality, Claus relocated to Tomball, Texas in 1984 to search for the harmonica that was stolen from him. It had been revealed that its current possessor had been shipped overseas via some preposterous student exchange program. No longer able to feast upon the many young hippie groupies that once fell upon his doorstep (and without the assistance of the vampire community), Claus was left to quickly work out some inconspicuous means of acquiring human blood to feast upon while hunting for the harmonica in Texas. Public security measures were much tighter in the Unites States. Claus did as all clever vampires with numbered days and washed-up careers would do – he started a funeral home. With his mountainous earnings from once being the world’s greatest harmonica player, Claus opened Humboldtsteg & Sons Funeral Home. Claus did not actually have any legitimate offspring, but the title sounded professional. He slept in the morgue and feasted upon the dead. He hired henchmen. He astounded the community with his German accent and immaculate hospitality. Everything was happening according to plan. He did not, however, acquire the Johnson Blues King. Even after the immediate dispatching of one Gerard Fuhrmann in 1984, Claus had not yet retrieved the harmonica. Now diagnosed with emphysema, Claus was more determined than ever to find his cherished instrument.

Furman will eventually take on a mortuary apprenticeship at Humboldtsteg & Sons after a seemingly harmless encounter with Claus Humboldtsteg. Claus will be suspicious of the strange young Furman and offer him the position to better accommodate further investigation. He can sense that Furman has a connection to the Johnson Blues King. Upon taking the apprenticeship, Furman will discover Claus to be an influential mentor, with a profound knowledge of and appreciation of the blues. He will begin to admire Claus.

When Furman’s relationship with Rachael takes a turn for the worse, and Furman drops out of school, loses his job, gets kicked out of his home and turns to busking as a source of income, his apprenticeship at Humboldtsteg will also fall apart – fueling Claus’ suspicions and his desire to recover the Johnson Blues King. Claus will turn from mentor to enemy. When Furman removes his braces to better earn his keep as a musician on the streets of Houston, all hell breaks loose.

Harris Stevens is the curator of the Albert Collins Birthplace Museum in Leona, Texas. From 1968 to 1971, Stevens worked as a roadie for the blues-rock/boogie band, Canned Heat. In early 1969, Canned Heat’s national tour took the band (with Stevens in tow) to Houston where a record collector casually mentioned that a local blues guitar legend was playing at a little joint called the Ponderosa Club in the city’s Black neighborhood. It was here that Harris Stevens first encountered Albert Collins. From that day forward, the obsessive Stevens remained as Collins’ self-proclaimed number-one fan and secret admirer. His fascination with the musician took him across the nation and around the globe, from Europe to Japan. Most notably, in 1987 Stevens’ mania took him to the set of Adventures in Babysitting, to fill a position as dolly grip when he discovered that Collins would make a cameo appearance in the film. He never forgave Elisabeth Shue for “interrupting The Iceman on stage and hastily performing a terrible rendition of the ‘Babysitting Blues.’”

The Albert Collins Birthplace Museum was founded shortly after the untimely death of the musician himself in 1994. It serves as the only tourist attraction in Leona, Texas – a town of approximately 200 people. Harris Stevens spent his life-savings to purchase the home and all necessary Iceman memorabilia required to establish the Museum. The exhibition consists of an impressive volume of candid photos, a paltry collection of valuable relics and a mountain of insignificant artifacts that only an uncanny fanatic could truly appreciate. The paramount item of his collection was the "maple-cap" 1966 Custom Fender Telecaster with a Gibson PAF humbucker in the neck position. It was precisely this instrument that Collins employed to develop his unique sound, featuring minor tunings, sustained notes and an "attack" fingerstyle. Although Harris acquired the Telecaster through unspecified means, the guitar is priceless to him as it represents his only realistic chance of selling The Iceman Exhibition to the Texas Music Museum in Austin. Stevens had adopted this plan as his singular life’s purpose. Prior to Murray’s heist of the guitar, Stevens had been tirelessly preparing the exhibition for a very important scheduled presentation to a visiting member of the board from Austin. The loss of the "maple-cap" 1966 Custom Fender Telecaster would prove devastating to his presentation and would certainly cost him the deal. Harris Stevens is now on a merciless quest to recover the relic. Coincidentally, his presentation to the representative of the board from the Texas Music Museum is scheduled for the very night of the Battle of the Bands at the Royal Arts Ball, sponsored by the Regional Arts Center of Tomball.

Harris Stevens will collaborate with Claus Humboldtsteg. Together they will plot revenge upon Barry and the Manilows.

Albert Collins – the famous blues guitarist, singer and musician, known by many nicknames, such as "The Ice Man", "The Master of the Telecaster" and "The Razor Blade,” inducted into the Blues Hall of Fame in 1986 – died in November of 1993 due to complications of lung cancer. His ghost will undoubtedly make an appearance in this story.